Drowning
by Shoumai
Summary: Timeline is sketchy, in the original anime universe. Shinji is depressed and finding himself unable to cope with the death of Kaworu. This is the result.


A/N: (walks in with a witch's hat) Happy Halloween everyone. When I get depressed and have some motivation to write I work on things like this; I finished it just recently and I finally got a chance to upload it. I hope you all enjoy. (bows)

Disclaimer: I own a copy of Otaku USA that has a chapter of the Shinji Ikari Detective Journal in it. But that's all.

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Drowning

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Shinji wonders about what it would feel like to drown.

It's not an odd thought to have, especially when one can't swim and is often painfully depressed. The feeling of sinking in (is it freezing cold? Hot enough to blister? Pleasant like a bath? Or maybe no real temperature at all?} deep water. The crushing feeling of air being unable to reach his lungs, blackness fuzzing in at the corners of his vision. (Would he even have his eyes open? Probably not, they'd be squeezed shut tightly.)

Then there would be a moment before oblivion. (Would he be calm? Terrified? Would he even care?) Then he would pass out. Everything the Third has ever read about it says that you won't be conscious for the moment of death. This suits him just fine, he is a coward after all. He would have killed himself already if he wasn't.

Then the water fills your lungs and then there is nothing at all. You die. And Shinji is beginning to have strong doubts that there is anything at all after death. (Maybe that is why his mother is in his Eva, because she **knows** there is nothing else.) He wants to believe that there is, to give himself some sort of hope. But hope is dead, along with his mother, along with…

(Pale skin, silver hair, red eyes, a kind smile.)

Along with…

_("I was probably born to meet you." "I'm saying that I love you.")_

…Kaworu.

It isn't fair. It isn't fair at all. For the first time in his life, Shinji was loved deeply and unconditionally. He was happy, and it was taken away. Just once. Couldn't he get to be happy just. Fucking. Once!?

(He killed him, it's all his fault. He doesn't deserve happiness anymore. He never did.)

Shinji wishes that he could drown in the LCL in his entry plug. Then he wouldn't have to know what life after Kaworu is. It must be terrible. All of his horrors and sadnesses up until now are nothing compared to what it will be. (Searing pain tearing through his chest, nothing but pain. But still not enough, not enough to make him forget that he could have been happy, and that is the worst part.)

Shinji doesn't remember leaving Misato's apartment to go to the beach. He doesn't really remember anything clearly since he killed Kaworu. But it doesn't matter. None of it matters. (He's just so tired, so very tired of everything. Tired in his soul, so all the sleep in the world will never be enough.)

Unlike every other time that he has tried to kill himself, he doesn't hesitate in the slightest this time. No second thoughts, no one to talk him out of it.

It's just like diving into a pool, except that he makes sure not to take a deep breath first.

It's terrible. Even more terrible than he had imagined. And he is afraid, after all. Always the coward, scared of the thing that he wants most.

He wants to scream but he can't. Who would he scream to anyway? His father doesn't care. Everyone's fed up – no one cares.

Kaworu. He would scream to Kaworu. Because even after he killed him, Kaworu would still care.

And then it all goes black and Shinji knows nothing anymore. After some time (seconds? Hours? Days? Years?) passes he becomes aware of himself again. It feels like he is floating weightlessly in the air, the crushing pressure and choking sensation are gone. He can't seem to summon up the will to open up his eyes. It's easier to just lay in this blackness and not know where he is or what has happened. He doesn't want to know if he's failed and will be greeted with the unfamiliar ceiling of a hospital room. The chance that he survived is just too depressing to even consider. He will most likely be committed for insanity if he has actually lived through it. (But who's to say that he isn't insane, acting as though his death would make up for all of the terrible things he's done? Weakness, cowardice, deception, lies and so much more. He'd have to be mad man or a fool to think for even a second that his life would be worth enough to buy forgiveness.)

Warm hands suddenly start to stroking his cold face. Fingers passing lightly over eyes lids, forehead, temples, ears, nose and lips. Palms come to rest securely on his cheeks. "Shinji." A voice beckons softly, lovingly. "Shinji." The long, warm fingers shift to carding through the boy's short brown hair.

Shinji at first wants to reject these things. He doesn't deserve kindness, and he doesn't want to be tricked back into living by warm hands and sweet words that are all lies. But what a sweet voice it is, warm; like the hands are. Warm like summer. (Tokyo-3. Endless summer. A song being hummed. A boy sitting on a statue overlooking water. Silver hair, pale skin, red eyes. "_I am Kaworu. Nagisa Kaworu_.")

"Shinji, please open your eyes."

Blue shoot open and Shinji looks around frantically, desperately, for the owner of the hands and voice. When he sees the face that that has been burning in his mind (in his **heart**) for so long (enough time for the world to end and begin all over again) he **sobs**. "Kaworu." He chokes, reaching out blindly through the rapidly oncoming tears. "Kaworu."

The sound of Shinji's voice makes Kaworu react all at once. He pulls the boy into his arms, rubbing his back and shushing him gently.

"Don't leave me." Shinji begs, crying against his neck and clinging to the angel like his soul depended on it. "Please don't leave me. Living without you isn't worth it. I need you. I need you to love me. I'll love you forever. Pleasepleasepleaseplease-"

Kaworu managed to press a kiss to Shinji's head. (It was the only thing he could reach so it would do for now.) "I do love you. I promise I won't leave, it's alright." He reassures.

Shinji manages to calm down after a while but his grip doesn't lessen in the slightest. "Can we just stay here forever?"

"Yes."

Misato drives around desperately, trying to think of where Shinji could be. She's hoping it's the beach. She's already looked everywhere else and doesn't know what she's going to do if he isn't there.

She slams on her brakes and gets out of the car in a rush, praying to find him this time.

When she gets to the edge of the beach, she sees him and her heart swells with relief. There's a content look on his face as he floats in the water with his eyes closed. She opens her mouth to tease him about swimming with his clothes on until she remembers with a distinct sense of horror that Shinji can't swim. Misato breaks into a run, kicking her heels off as she moves.

It doesn't take her very long to drag him to the beach and start CPR.

Shinji remains unresponsive, looking for all the world like he's only sleeping. A single silvery white feather sticks persistently to his wet shirt.

* * *

End

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A/N: And that's all she wrote. I hope you all liked it. Thank you for reading this story and I'm sorry it turned out to be a bit of a tearjerker but I do feel a bit better now. (bows) Take care of yourselves and have a good time this Halloween.


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